“Personally, I’m a mess of conflicting impulses—I’m independent and greedy and I also want to belong and share and be a part of the whole. I doubt that I’m the only one who feels this way. It’s the core of monster making, actually. Wanna make a monster? Take the parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable—your weaknesses, bad thoughts, vanities, and hungers—and pretend they’re across the room. It’s too ugly to be human. It’s too ugly to be you. Children are afraid of the dark because they have nothing real to work with. Adults are afraid of themselves.
Oh we’re a mess, poor humans, poor flesh—hybrids of angels and animals, dolls with diamonds stuffed inside them. We’ve been to the moon and we’re still fighting over Jerusalem. Let me tell you what I do know: I am more than one thing, and not all of those things are good. The truth is complicated. It’s two-toned, multi-vocal, bittersweet. I used to think that if I dug deep enough to discover something sad and ugly, I’d know it was something true. Now I’m trying to dig deeper.”
Richard Siken, Spork Editor’s Pages: Black Telephone
Once in a while, a good quote speaks to you like no other. This one did. This week has not been the best, well actually Tuesday was horrible :-( My emotions took a turn on me - I could not study, I could not even get a grip of myself and my life. How can one's emotions turn from absolutely happy to totally disgusting and warped and undefined? I was quite shocked myself. I was filled with jealousy and rage and so much, just so much self hate. Until now I still cannot figure out why I had these emotions. Reading this quote, it really felt like I was up against an undefeatable monster. I had not hit so rock bottom in a long time, and this time it was extremely difficult to get out of. Probably because I had never felt such strong jealousy and disgust with myself, so I did not know how to handle the situation.
Putting that aside and looking at the quote, "Adults are afraid of themselves". What a true statement, for we fear our insecurities and the feelings that evolve from them, the way people will look at us and treat us. We create monsters within ourselves and sometimes we let these monsters consume our every glimmer of happiness - be it for an hour, an afternoon, a day or more. I just hope that I, we, everyone, will have the strength to see past these emotions and worrying thoughts. It's not easy, it really isn't but we can never stop trying.
Anyway, all was well by the end of the day and I am really thankful for it (●´□`)♡. Like it always has been and always will be, I promise to try harder because he means so much to me :-)
On to recapping the week, this beautiful last week which is going by too quickly (πーπ), quite some events have happened on Tuesday:
1. Encounter with a stranger at Kinokuniya
Feeling trapped and helpless, I decided to get out of the house for some fresh air. My favourite place to go is Kinokuniya where I can sit down for hours and read books on photography. However, the moment I had arrived and picked up two books to read, I was tapped on the shoulder by an elderly man somewhat in his 40s. He asked me if I had $2.60 to give him because he did not have enough money to buy a cook book he wanted to get for his son. I only had a $2 note so I handed it to him almost without hesitation. The elderly man started to talk to me, telling me how he was unemployed and about his dysfunctional family. He had a 10 year old son who does not talk to him much, so he was in Kinokuniya picking out things to buy for him. He enquired about my being there, and recalling that I was having a bad day plus listening to this rather sad story. I started crying in front of a total stranger I have never met before. He had a rather fatherly aura and he hugged me a few times to show his gratitude. Taking me by surprise, he leaned in to even kiss my cheek. I was thoroughly shocked. He then asked if I were in a rush as he wanted me to accompany him to visit a toy shop, worried and confused I said I had to go.
Not knowing if he was sincere or had ulterior motives, I just pray that he meant well, that all out alright with his family and that he can find a job as soon as possibly :-)
2. Impromptu short meet up with Nic Tan
Leaving Kinokuniya sooner than I had expected, I was left stranded nothing to do till my appointment with Pearly. So I headed over to Bishan with the goal to read some library books. However, seeing that Nic was asking for company on Twitter, I decided to just stop by and have a chat with him. Some moments were slightly awkward but it was great spending time with him nonetheless! I guess I was a little out of it that day, making me do things that I normally wouldn't aka being extremely sociable and asking people out haha.
3. Dinner + Maleficient movie with Pearly
Pearly was late but we still had time to eat dinner at Astons :-) I told her my problems, let all my worries out and she made me feel so much better. I know I can always rely on her to be there for me (thanks Mama Tan for letting Pearly come out too~). She thought me something important: everybody has a different set of morals, rules we live by so it's strange and sometimes unreasonable why others act the way they do that goes against these sets of rules. I guess my task now is to learn how to approach others with different rules :-) Anyway, we watched Maleficient and I must say that the three fairies were 10000x more annoying than the first time I watched it, haha! Nonetheless, I am so glad we could have that short meet up because I really needed to get away from reality for a while. It was also comforting to hear that her mum thinks I am a worthy 大姐 to Pearly, and that I can make my best friend happy (/^▽^)/!
Here are some pictures from this week :-)
|Always working together and making us work.|
|Tried on my sister's lipstick!|
|Took this edit from Pearly! Hehe~|