Choice

Yesterday I made a pretty important decision (at this point of 2015 I guess). Of course now I am having slight moments of guilt and a little regret but overall I believe this path I am on for the upcoming months is meant to be.

I guess I chose dance over travelling during dance practice on Sunday. I enjoyed trainings and knew that if I missed so many practices I'd have a hard time catching up + I won't be able to get to know the team better :-(

I just want to remind myself (and anyone out there who actually reads this blog haha) to not be afraid to make decisions in life. Make sure you know what you want and pursue that, because you don't want to regret later on in life about the things you chose to let go. This is especially so for your passions and the people you treasure in your life.

Hahaha, okay guess it's enough 'teacher' time but yes. I am excited for life ahead in 2 0 1 5 ! :-)

In the midst of 'A's

((feeling like this dying bouquet of flowers))

So we’re in the 2^nd week of ‘A’ Levels and things aren’t going too well? General Paper and Maths was not too bad but Literature P1 and Economics P1 was a killer :-(

Monday was not the best of days because:

1. Literature was tough

2. I walked out of school thinking my mum was not in the car park when she was

3. On my way to finding her, I stepped on dog poop

So, yeah not a good day. Also, cramming for Economics the next day was not easy.

However, I am glad that I kind of managed to get over those things quite quickly! So, I want to take this time to just try to give myself a little encouragement by thinking of some positive things :-)

a.    I like how small Singapore is – when it rains on your side, it feels homely that somewhere else, your friends or a random stranger is seeing the same rain

b.    I’m really grateful that I have Chek who is very patient and understanding. I’ve never met anyone who wraps their love around another person like he does

c.     I am thankful for this piece of biscuit and cheddar I am currently eating, hehe

d.    ‘A’s are ending in 10 days!!! So thank goodness for that

e.    God’s making sure my stomach does not make weird sounds during exams

▧▼☜⊿◤◎└┘∟↕♨

1

Been a while since I felt so emotional, and the thing is: I can't pinpoint my sadness. I do not know for sure why I am beginning to become so strange. I feel myself questioning things more, as if I have slightly lost my balance in life. I question myself a lot on happiness - what one is right to be happy a bout. I also ask myself on whether I am happy. Am I happy with what I have become as time has passed? Am I happy with the way I treat people around me?

It kind of sucks, when you don't know why you feel a certain way. I think (and hope) my brain is just figuring out some issues in my life now + I am feeling stressed from 'A's approaching.

Please God, help me relieve myself of such strange feelings and give me the courage to face this challenge to the end.

 2

3

Post Prelims: Part ➀

Some SUTD promoters came to SAJC to give out these adorable survival kits to the J2s :-)

I really like the notebook that came along with it because the paper quality is pretty good. I am currently in the midst of making it my 2015 diary ^_^

After lunch with the class (did not take any photos meh but the pork ribs noodles at Potong Pasir was really really amazing!!), I used the computer for 4 hour straight haha! But I enjoyed it nonetheless - good alone time :-)

Then daddy picked me up and we went to pick Justine up from NTU for some dinner! He was not in the best of moods though, I really hate it when we get stuck in such situations.

I think the food would have tastes a million times better if not for his mood. However, I know I cannot blame him. I was not there in the past to evaluate the situation for myself, so I must make my own decisions as to what I feel is right. Really felt like I was analysing some Individual & Society Unseen Text sitting there listening to whatever daddy had to say.

All I know is that:

1. I must show more care and concern for those who love me and whom I love

2. Do not stay angry/frustrated with people for too long because it eventually will not matter so there is no reason for you to waste your energy in such a negative manner

3. Do not let your greed for fortune and material wealth control yourself from doing what is right

4. It is important for you to be happy, but it is also important to live a humble life so find happiness in the small things

5. Always show empathy because everybody's situations are different from yours

Here's to 6 weeks to 'A' Levels!

: Reminder to self

A sudden thought just popped into my mind: Isn't it wonderful and beautiful to be able to say to one another, "If you ever let me down let's just trust that God's love is perfect and that because perfect love covers all sins, we won't have to break these relationships but try to grow in them?" I was just thinking about how imperfect I was, and how I'm terrible at handling my personal relationships with others. I get petty, angry, stupid and all kinds of things, and I was kind of crying out and being all EH WALAO WHY LIDDAT GOD WHY LIDDAT until I remembered that God gave us free will and it is in that struggle, in the trying to love others purely, in the striving, that we find the gold from the glitter. - cellardrawn (Julia)

September holidays is coming to an end, last stretch of Prelims is around the corner and 'A' Levels are approaching. I've made quite some posts in this one-week holiday and I've actually missed out some things! So I just wanted to write another entry (because I also found this quote by Julia, my OCIP mate, really inspiring + I am really utterly tired of studying everyday).

The coming of exams have been pretty stressful and I get quite frustrated when I feel angry with the people I care about. I feel like a leech just clinging onto these feelings of hatred and angst, but at the same time I can't seem to so easily let go of them. That's why what Julia said (typed) was really uplifting and hopeful. It just makes me see the beauty in life and how you do not just throw away broken things, you fix them.

We are not perfect and we should not blame ourselves for not being so. Instead, we must understand that life is a process, and we are in the midst of this ever flowing river. Instead of cursing yourself for not having control over this river/ being stuck in such a situation, learn to embrace it. We must learn to grow and adapt not just for survival sake, but to live a little. Only by doing so will we be able to "find the gold from the glitter." (hehe, I really love Julia's writing ^_^)

((8 September))

I can't remember why I was feeling down or mildly upset but I decided to go for the most random night cycling session, haha. I ended up cycling to Chek's house while my mind reasoned with itself that I should go and collect his daily savings (but I guess I also just wanted to see him hehe). It was really, and I mean really, enjoyable to cycle and listen to music :-) I think it might just become one of my new favourite pastimes.

That night I got to let out some issues I had been keeping to myself and I really felt better. I cannot thank him enough for being so kind and understanding :-)

((9 September))

Hehe, we decided to nicely celebrate our monthsary! After tuition we watched some Doctor Who before heading out for sushi at Balestier Plaza :-) I was really quite happy to have a bowl of salmon and avocado don in front of me! Chek was really happy with his salmon don too ^_^ It's kind of rare that we eat at such fanciful places so I am really thankful when we get to do so!

Chek was really sweet and bought me body soap from The Body Shop as a monthsary gift! They smell crazily good and I can't wait to use them more often :-) If I stay in a hostel in University, I'll bring them along hehe.

Hehe, well I guess that's all I got to say for now. :)

// Grow like trees //

"Are we ever ready, for anything?"

"You can't control the situation you're in, all you can do is react to it as openly and as honestly as you possibly can."

"I haven't worked on myself. I 'm not comfortable with being alone."

"You can still work on yourself and love someone else. In fact, all the best relationships are where you work on yourselves together."

"Evaluate where you're at when moments happen, and make decisions then. You don't have to lay down blanket rules for yourself. Just live in the moment."

Oh man, I've put off this post for a while till the point I forgot the problem I was faced with at that time... and as always, life has brought on new problems for me to struggle with. However, I feel that any situation I am faced with, relates back to the point of constantly working on myself.

Addressing the first issue, I feel frustrated when I see someone I love not being the best they can be because I know they are so much more than that. It hurts and angers me when they themselves cannot see beyond the desire to give into the always-easier option: giving up. Not fully giving up but giving up on doing things to the best of their abilities. This is the problem with the world today. People have developed the mentality that less is better; easier is the way to go. Following this decision to put yourself in the backseat, especially when presented with daunting/unfavourable situations, just brings on the vicious cycle of never progressing and never knowing how to push yourself.

Evaluating myself, I feel that I have become a much less patient and understanding person. There's always two stands a person can take when they care for someone:

1. They allow their loved ones to act as they please because they want to accept them for who they are

2. They take on a firmer stand to help their loved ones become better versions of themselves

I've always heard both approaches in separate situations, and how you must achieve both to ensure a healthy relationship. However, don't the two stands contradict one another? This is probably one of the biggest struggles I am faced with at the moment, and from long ago. (I guess as I am writing this post I also feel like I am conversing with God, letting him know my troubles.)

Writing this with slight frustration, I become even more frustrated with myself for hardening my heart. I was never like this, never blinded by anger and jealousy.

I promise myself from now on to "not let the world make (me) hard", "not let the pain make (me) hate". I want to remember again what it felt like to be forgiving and trusting and loving, not to be stuck in this miserable place where I torment myself with ugly imaginations and hurtful thoughts.

On to issue number two, I do not know what is going on inside this stupid brain of mine. Jaime, don't give into what you think is better/greater/cooler. Nothing is worse than losing him. Do anything stupid and you will regret it. He does care for you, it's just that sometimes people don't express emotions the way you want them too. Give people a chance, they're not born or programmed to please you, they're on this planet to live the life they were given.

☯☓ Boom Clap ☓☯

Like a fairytale

In our cool jerseys! (really love it hehe)

It was a productive day today, I would say. Camped at Novena Starbucks and studied my ass off - Human Geography, Literature and Math. Chek could only come later, but I still had a productive time before he arrived :-)

However, I feel quite bad that I got really impatient with Chek when he was trying to teach me math and give me tips that are helpful for exams :-( Sometimes, it is not easy having your loved ones be harsh and to hear the truth / be corrected by them. Sometimes, when their tone changes slightly, it can come off as hurtful. Well, at least that was how I felt. I know it's wrong, so I pray that God will give me more patience with the people I love.

It's strange how it's a common perception that you will automatically be more patient and endearing to your loved ones, but I think it might actually be the total opposite. You do not want to offend someone you are not close with because it will come off as being rude and nobody wants to have a bad reputation that may spread.

However, when it comes to the people you are closest to,

you expect them to understand you inside and out,

you expect them to treat you with100%  kindness and attention,

you expect them to know your pet peeves and not irritate you.

But, that just is not fair to them, is it? So please, God, give me this strength to be mindful and let my loved ones bloom like flowers :-)

✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈

Random buy of the day: A BRAND NEW BIKE

Still feels kind of surreal that I have a bike? I really hope it lasts and I want to make sure I can take good care of him. Oh! I did not mention that I named him Mike :-) Pronounced mike-y ^_^ Can't wait to take him to East Coast Park and ride beside the ocean!

I think Mike looks really cool and I am happy his wheels are sturdy and strong, especially for a sometimes-careless/reckless rider like me... hehe ^_^||

Last long, buddy! ✈ ✈ ✈