A lot has been on mind, and I have been changing how I act the past week or so. I feel better but it gets quite tiring too. Still in the transitional stage but I really want to find myself and my people in this time, or soon, or eventually. 

I don't wana be specific, I don't want to pin point who is at fault. I choose to believe that everything lies in my hands and my own perspective of things. It's tough, and I think I should not put so much pressure on myself. But that in itself is hard I guess.

In one aspect: Dance.

I am more sure of what I want in dance and I feel less guilty than before. I must remember that I don't owe anyone an explanation and follow the path I am happiest in. My decisions, my life and my happiness first. Not many years left in this field (though I will try my best to go as far as I can), so let's just do what makes me happy.

In another aspect: self-contentment.

It's hard when you're trying so hard to scream out to be seen when sounds around muffle you out. Eventually you try to be quieter and find another way. It's muting but you learn to accept it, though deep down you wish it were not like this. And you can't voice out; afraid it will hurt others. I guess this is the biggest social problem for me at the moment. I am trying very hard to reconcile with it but it takes a lot of effort. I see the easy way out but I see its implications as well. Trying to hold onto something that I believe to still be there, but things have changed. I admit even I have changed so I must be understanding as others have been to me. It's sad that the way I feel and the way things are are different but I wish you all the best in whatever you are pursuing.

Always be generous with praise and cautious with criticism. Applaud successes, and do your best to be a good listener.

Trial Period

Quite like the photos selected for this post because it encapsulates my responsibilities in university now. hahaha how nice: homework/project/GPA isn't here ;-----) Anyway, yeah it's 4:25AM and I have 9:30AM Malay... However, I jst really want to write out my feelings before I go to bed. I also quite like how y blog is really becoming a place for me to let out my emotions - every post is time spent for myself, which is rare this 2k16, sadly.

BIONIC

 Leading is not easy, and I feel like this experience as a dance capt has really shown me that. I've taken up some leadership roles before but I think this is the most intensive one where I have to be in front and lead. I guess as a leader, you can just do whats in your job scope and

1) teach them how to dance

2) make sure they know HOCC steps

But I really want to make a change for Hall Dance culture here in Hall Dua haha. Even if it's a tiny bit I hope I do make a difference in my leadership. Actually, a little stressed because I also want it to be as fun as last year (yep, trying to live up to expectations of predecessors gehhh). I know it'll be hard because those who were 'on' are gone and we've got to start anew. Honestly, it was pretty difficult the past few weeks because I really could not feel a bond with the team and within the team itself. I was worried but all my commitments also piled up and it distracted me from attending to the issue as well. I must really thank JJ for sharing his own take on the HOCC journey with his hall. Even though the advice was not directed to me, I felt that it really enlightened me on how to approach Hall Dance. At the same time, it is also pressure on myself to be a better captain to the dancers. I hope I will continue to grow n patience in understanding from their point of view, so that training will become more enjoyable.

However, after today's discussion for HO's theme I feel a little more relieved. I think it's because it's the first time we really sat down as a (almost) full team to just talk and get to know each other on a deeper level. There are more levels (or layers of the 'onion') to reach but this is a good start :-) We all gave our ideas for HO and talked about what styles we preferred to dance for HO and asked for feedback. After which, some of us went to have supper and that's cool :-) I guess it's really time to INVEST; and from there hope that the love we give will be love received in the near future.

Honestly, I truly feel that the dancers have potential. Maybe it's the 'captain' side talking, hoping and believing that great things can happen with time and love. However, I still see the great potential for them to grow as the weeks go by. I hope to be able to provide to their needs/wants in the next, very short, months to come :-)

Zebrös!!

Group photo at H2GT. Just realised Pearly and I didn't take a photo together :-( Haha, glad we did that PPAP performance together! Actually since Year 1 I was looking forward to doing a dance performance with her at H2GT but we had OMC so hahaha. YAY! Glad that everyone enjoyed the performance and that we got to do it twice some more!

Okay, back to Zebrös HAHA. Another family I made in Uni/Hall, and I can confidently say the one I am most thankful for??? I consider them the closest friends I have in uni. They are quite the reason that I am thankful that I took on OMC last year when I look back.The seniors are amazing individuals and the babies are just as amazing :') I hope Zijing and my efforts continue and that it'll reach their hearts!! However, it has really not been easy trying to stay connected to them (especially on an individual level) because of the increasing amount of things we all need to do - projects, presentations, ccas, hall commitments etc. I hope that after all the work lessens, we will all meet up again :-) 

HNN 2016

Never in my life would I believe/convince myself that I would go for any kind of horror-related activities. I am the kind of person who believes that one should not pay money to be scared. However, for the zebrös babies, I will. HAHAHA. Sounds like I am easily swayed but it's true - the only way to spend time with them is to join them haha. But honestly, I really do not regret my decision :-) I conquered 3 haunted houses and with the great help of all of those ^^^ who came :-) I guess it goes with the saying, "if it is important, you will find a way."

COMM 16/17!!!!

Haha, I notice my posts getting shorter and shorter because I am tireeeed. It's 4:47AM so I have spent 20 minutes on this.

Yay to our first performance as a full comm together~ Actually, I really wish I could spend more time with them- which would be outside whatever duties we have, But I know, for now at least, that is quite impossible HAHA. Everyone is tied down with so much stuff to do it's quite insane really. I want to get to know them better but I am also a little intimidated hahaha maybe because majority of them are seniors and seem more comfortable with each other and when I try to interact sometimes it does not go through LOL. I hope I am not overthinking and I won't let this feeling take over me and continue trying! YOSH!

Okay, goodnight because my eyes are tired haha.

All The Way Up

Haha, I really want to sleep and wake up for OG breakfast tomorrow but I also really want to pen this down before I forget to remind myself of things I need to work on in the near future (like actually from today onward).

Regarding our camp event AAR, I feel bad realizing how selfish I was as an individual - only concerning myself with my own responsibilities and lacking to look out for my own people. Yes, I did help in my own ways but like what I've learnt in the past months of 2016 - always have your comm's back. Knowing that each of us want the best for the club makes me even more ashamed at my behaviour. It's like I've altered/mutated this pure goal we have and that I have of myself too. It's sad to know that there isn't any more major events that we can work together on and improve together on but with whatever events we have left, I really want to make it up to everyone and prove to ourselves and myself that we can do it together so much better. I still hold on to the feeling that I am truly blessed to be working under each and every one of them and that we can make it a good year. Glad we talked everything out and that now we are more aligned on the same page :-)

On another note, CP is done!! Was indeed quite nervous because it seemed like I lost touch (and was never really good at) with urban haha. Still (I would say) pretty proud of myself for pushing my limits and exploring myself in this genre :-) Pat's choreo today was tough though haha; I was really not in it (and so were a few people too!! dancer blues haha). 

Par & Vinh's class tomorrow omg omg hahaha I foresee a repetition of December dance workshops BUT let's just hope for the best HOHO.

Another thing I want to congratulate myself on is: I DID NOT FALL ASLEEP DURING MALAY LESSON TODAY!! haha, this just reminds me of how Erica always like to congratulate us on small things we accomplished. To an extent I think it's pretty neat - like we give ourselves too much stress and expectation, so once in a while really praise yourself for accomplishing small goals because it's not easy for anyone. But I think its is because of my quiz grades, that's why I do not dare to fall asleep HAHA!

Haha wow there's actually a lot I want to type out and this post has no direction whatsoever but who cares. Kind of read this article about how OG whatsapp groups in uni die out, and I find it really applicable hoho. Like what my hall papi said before - it takes more than just 1 individual to keep a group alive. It's really hard, and sometimes I feel frustrated because my time has already been split 6 different ways. It's hard for me to continuously try to single-handedly bring people together all the time. But really thankful for these polar babies for being pretty active. I just hope that in those days where I can't afford to be active, they won't leave each other :'( Okay, HAHA let's try to end this post on a high.

Glad that recess week events were pretty successful despite all the last minute planning and occasional miscomms. I am very thankful for all the people I am working with this year and that it's all dance-related. I foresee a very very busy second semester ahead but I know it'll be worth it :-) AND I WILL LEARN BREAKING !!!! hehe ^_^ 

To better communication skills; time management; dance improvement; work-life balance.