Alive Museum Singapore

First time in a "trickeye" museum! Haha, better than my (low) expectations but I think it's because we got student price in the end + there was zero crowd so we had the whole place to ourselves yay! Lesson learnt: always ask for student price :> At least I can check this off my (non-existent) list of things to do in Singapore hoho.

If you notice a difference in quality & contrast in the pictures, it's because two cameras were used (EPL 7 vs. EPL5). Not sure if its the cameras or camera settings but mannn my EPL5 photos look quite dull. And it's always been like this. Think I need to figure it out soon, or like after I make this post hehe.

After Alive, we wanted to go bowling at Marina Square but turns out it is closed HAHA!! But luckily there is always karaoke - went for the most expensive karoke session ever ($35 for 3 hours) but it was probably the most fun experience hehe! When you put a group of dancers into a karaoke room, you get a mini club WHOOHOO! It's awesome when the songs aren't sad Chinese love songs on repeat but like Pump It by BEP and Yeah X3 by CB HAHA!

Hole made in my pocket, and a very very deep one, but wouldn't have spent that Friday night any other way!! 

High Functioning Anxiety

https://themighty.com/2016/07/what-you-should-know-about-someone-with-high-functioning-anxiety/

1. For every decision I make, there is a battle raging in my head.

Decisions and commitments are my worst nightmare. Every time I get asked to hang out with a friend, or go out to dinner with a family, or show up for a school function, my mind immediately starts listing pros and cons. And let me assure you, it always manages to come up with far more cons. Most of the time, when I do commit to something, it’s out of obligation or fear of being left out.

4. When I ask for help, it means I really need it.

I have a hard time asking for help. And not because I’m cocky or think I’m too good for it, but because I’m afraid of showing you the real me. Too many times, I’ve let my guard down with someone, shown them how needy I really am, and they’ve left. So I don’t do that anymore. I’ve learned to “suck it up,” as they say, and figure it out on my own. Asking for help is really a last-resort type of deal for me. Which means if I do ask for help about anything, I really need you to help me. Or else next time, I’ll drown before reaching out to someone.

6. When you pull away from me, I think I’ve scared you away.

I know, it’s kinda hypocritical, right? I tell you to give me space and that just because I pull away doesn’t mean I’m mad, and then I turn around and think the same thing about you. But I just can’t help it. Every message that isn’t responded to, every sarcastic reply to something I say, every time you cancel plans we had, I can’t help thinking you are fed up with me and my clinginess. Like maybe I showed you a little too much and you couldn’t handle it. It scares me. And then I get even more clingy, asking if you’re mad at me, or if I did something wrong. Please don’t take it personally. It’s the self-doubt talking. The more comfortable I get with you, the less it’ll happen.

7. The person on the outside is not usually the person on the inside.

The person you see on the outside has it together. Straight-A student, involved in multiple activities, always busy, completes every project on time and to a perfectionist standard. And you probably think, “Man, she has her life together. She really knows how to get stuff done.” What you don’t realize is I have to be this way. I literally cannot sit still. If I do, the thoughts and nervous energy will choke me.

Relaxation is hard, because doing nothing invites what I call “the void.” It invites staring off into space, losing track of time, feeling too much all at once. So it’s much easier just to keep busy, so I don’t even have time to think about anything except what’s next on my to-do list. I’m this way because it keeps me from falling apart, not because I’m put together.

"We live in a world full of answers. Use them to become whole again. Blend your favorites. Make your wellness a priority."

A lot has been on mind, and I have been changing how I act the past week or so. I feel better but it gets quite tiring too. Still in the transitional stage but I really want to find myself and my people in this time, or soon, or eventually. 

I don't wana be specific, I don't want to pin point who is at fault. I choose to believe that everything lies in my hands and my own perspective of things. It's tough, and I think I should not put so much pressure on myself. But that in itself is hard I guess.

In one aspect: Dance.

I am more sure of what I want in dance and I feel less guilty than before. I must remember that I don't owe anyone an explanation and follow the path I am happiest in. My decisions, my life and my happiness first. Not many years left in this field (though I will try my best to go as far as I can), so let's just do what makes me happy.

In another aspect: self-contentment.

It's hard when you're trying so hard to scream out to be seen when sounds around muffle you out. Eventually you try to be quieter and find another way. It's muting but you learn to accept it, though deep down you wish it were not like this. And you can't voice out; afraid it will hurt others. I guess this is the biggest social problem for me at the moment. I am trying very hard to reconcile with it but it takes a lot of effort. I see the easy way out but I see its implications as well. Trying to hold onto something that I believe to still be there, but things have changed. I admit even I have changed so I must be understanding as others have been to me. It's sad that the way I feel and the way things are are different but I wish you all the best in whatever you are pursuing.

Always be generous with praise and cautious with criticism. Applaud successes, and do your best to be a good listener.

Trial Period

Quite like the photos selected for this post because it encapsulates my responsibilities in university now. hahaha how nice: homework/project/GPA isn't here ;-----) Anyway, yeah it's 4:25AM and I have 9:30AM Malay... However, I jst really want to write out my feelings before I go to bed. I also quite like how y blog is really becoming a place for me to let out my emotions - every post is time spent for myself, which is rare this 2k16, sadly.

BIONIC

 Leading is not easy, and I feel like this experience as a dance capt has really shown me that. I've taken up some leadership roles before but I think this is the most intensive one where I have to be in front and lead. I guess as a leader, you can just do whats in your job scope and

1) teach them how to dance

2) make sure they know HOCC steps

But I really want to make a change for Hall Dance culture here in Hall Dua haha. Even if it's a tiny bit I hope I do make a difference in my leadership. Actually, a little stressed because I also want it to be as fun as last year (yep, trying to live up to expectations of predecessors gehhh). I know it'll be hard because those who were 'on' are gone and we've got to start anew. Honestly, it was pretty difficult the past few weeks because I really could not feel a bond with the team and within the team itself. I was worried but all my commitments also piled up and it distracted me from attending to the issue as well. I must really thank JJ for sharing his own take on the HOCC journey with his hall. Even though the advice was not directed to me, I felt that it really enlightened me on how to approach Hall Dance. At the same time, it is also pressure on myself to be a better captain to the dancers. I hope I will continue to grow n patience in understanding from their point of view, so that training will become more enjoyable.

However, after today's discussion for HO's theme I feel a little more relieved. I think it's because it's the first time we really sat down as a (almost) full team to just talk and get to know each other on a deeper level. There are more levels (or layers of the 'onion') to reach but this is a good start :-) We all gave our ideas for HO and talked about what styles we preferred to dance for HO and asked for feedback. After which, some of us went to have supper and that's cool :-) I guess it's really time to INVEST; and from there hope that the love we give will be love received in the near future.

Honestly, I truly feel that the dancers have potential. Maybe it's the 'captain' side talking, hoping and believing that great things can happen with time and love. However, I still see the great potential for them to grow as the weeks go by. I hope to be able to provide to their needs/wants in the next, very short, months to come :-)

Zebrös!!

Group photo at H2GT. Just realised Pearly and I didn't take a photo together :-( Haha, glad we did that PPAP performance together! Actually since Year 1 I was looking forward to doing a dance performance with her at H2GT but we had OMC so hahaha. YAY! Glad that everyone enjoyed the performance and that we got to do it twice some more!

Okay, back to Zebrös HAHA. Another family I made in Uni/Hall, and I can confidently say the one I am most thankful for??? I consider them the closest friends I have in uni. They are quite the reason that I am thankful that I took on OMC last year when I look back.The seniors are amazing individuals and the babies are just as amazing :') I hope Zijing and my efforts continue and that it'll reach their hearts!! However, it has really not been easy trying to stay connected to them (especially on an individual level) because of the increasing amount of things we all need to do - projects, presentations, ccas, hall commitments etc. I hope that after all the work lessens, we will all meet up again :-) 

HNN 2016

Never in my life would I believe/convince myself that I would go for any kind of horror-related activities. I am the kind of person who believes that one should not pay money to be scared. However, for the zebrös babies, I will. HAHAHA. Sounds like I am easily swayed but it's true - the only way to spend time with them is to join them haha. But honestly, I really do not regret my decision :-) I conquered 3 haunted houses and with the great help of all of those ^^^ who came :-) I guess it goes with the saying, "if it is important, you will find a way."

COMM 16/17!!!!

Haha, I notice my posts getting shorter and shorter because I am tireeeed. It's 4:47AM so I have spent 20 minutes on this.

Yay to our first performance as a full comm together~ Actually, I really wish I could spend more time with them- which would be outside whatever duties we have, But I know, for now at least, that is quite impossible HAHA. Everyone is tied down with so much stuff to do it's quite insane really. I want to get to know them better but I am also a little intimidated hahaha maybe because majority of them are seniors and seem more comfortable with each other and when I try to interact sometimes it does not go through LOL. I hope I am not overthinking and I won't let this feeling take over me and continue trying! YOSH!

Okay, goodnight because my eyes are tired haha.

All The Way Up

Haha, I really want to sleep and wake up for OG breakfast tomorrow but I also really want to pen this down before I forget to remind myself of things I need to work on in the near future (like actually from today onward).

Regarding our camp event AAR, I feel bad realizing how selfish I was as an individual - only concerning myself with my own responsibilities and lacking to look out for my own people. Yes, I did help in my own ways but like what I've learnt in the past months of 2016 - always have your comm's back. Knowing that each of us want the best for the club makes me even more ashamed at my behaviour. It's like I've altered/mutated this pure goal we have and that I have of myself too. It's sad to know that there isn't any more major events that we can work together on and improve together on but with whatever events we have left, I really want to make it up to everyone and prove to ourselves and myself that we can do it together so much better. I still hold on to the feeling that I am truly blessed to be working under each and every one of them and that we can make it a good year. Glad we talked everything out and that now we are more aligned on the same page :-)

On another note, CP is done!! Was indeed quite nervous because it seemed like I lost touch (and was never really good at) with urban haha. Still (I would say) pretty proud of myself for pushing my limits and exploring myself in this genre :-) Pat's choreo today was tough though haha; I was really not in it (and so were a few people too!! dancer blues haha). 

Par & Vinh's class tomorrow omg omg hahaha I foresee a repetition of December dance workshops BUT let's just hope for the best HOHO.

Another thing I want to congratulate myself on is: I DID NOT FALL ASLEEP DURING MALAY LESSON TODAY!! haha, this just reminds me of how Erica always like to congratulate us on small things we accomplished. To an extent I think it's pretty neat - like we give ourselves too much stress and expectation, so once in a while really praise yourself for accomplishing small goals because it's not easy for anyone. But I think its is because of my quiz grades, that's why I do not dare to fall asleep HAHA!

Haha wow there's actually a lot I want to type out and this post has no direction whatsoever but who cares. Kind of read this article about how OG whatsapp groups in uni die out, and I find it really applicable hoho. Like what my hall papi said before - it takes more than just 1 individual to keep a group alive. It's really hard, and sometimes I feel frustrated because my time has already been split 6 different ways. It's hard for me to continuously try to single-handedly bring people together all the time. But really thankful for these polar babies for being pretty active. I just hope that in those days where I can't afford to be active, they won't leave each other :'( Okay, HAHA let's try to end this post on a high.

Glad that recess week events were pretty successful despite all the last minute planning and occasional miscomms. I am very thankful for all the people I am working with this year and that it's all dance-related. I foresee a very very busy second semester ahead but I know it'll be worth it :-) AND I WILL LEARN BREAKING !!!! hehe ^_^ 

To better communication skills; time management; dance improvement; work-life balance.

Y2S1

Y2S1 has been really hectic - but riding on my desire to blog more I just wanted to post some pictures of some groups that have been here with me in the past 2 months or so.

MJ COMM 16/17

Still remember feeling like the ultimate xiao mei mei next to everyone in the comm because everyone is so zai and good at what they do. Still feel a little like that but happy to know that I am contributing more :-) [adding how a senior recently commented on how we are not juseniors but seniors now so we should also full out contribute back like any other senior, which I thought was a really relevant point.]

I guess such a comm is really different from whatever I have experienced before (OMC). Previously, there was a mentor to guide me and tell me what I need to do. However, now it's like OTOT haha! Which is pretty cool but can be stressful too if you don't keep track of what duties you have. However, I don't regret joining because I have learnt so much and have a lot of fun with these cuties! It's a different feeling being with people who have the same goal in mind, which is to make it a good year for MJ. Super thankful for everyone's guidance and care :')

Thankful to my zai partner Gladys for making my entrance into more in-depth pnp work so much more smoother and for her jst being there to push me to be a better pnp ^_^ It's like I want to become better for them hoho (oh dear, just suddenly remembered that I have to choreo finish my CP soon...)

- COLD JAM PEARLS -

I was honestly very shocked (by the scare from Nicole HAHA) to see the cute cute balloon and a box of delicious cupcakes from these 2 HEHE!!! Thankful that we have not really changed when we are together even after so long :') Y'all are my babies for life. I will play with your children and be their godma IDC HEHE!

SHAG SWAG ***

Really thankful for these two and I am excited to see what we can do with our own weirdness and individual strengths. Like I honestly feel we are all good in certain areas and can complement each other :> Wanted to thank them properly for the hectic 1.5 months of handling DnD because it was really crazy and I was so grateful to them for always covering for each other when we took turns to be sick and got sick together hahaha. Seeing them both grow in dance and leadership areas also really makes me happy too hoho!

Zebrös cutiepies.

Will always be thankful for them?? They are really like my new family in hall and I don't want to lose them >_< Can't wait for our lantern party on Wednesday. Must really thank the super zai seniors who made them so bonded as well and made their camp experience an awesome one :-) 

JYRAH PAPA MAMA AND KIDS!

Thankful that Pearly and I rushed down to spend some time with the OG (orientation group or original gangster huh hoho). Stanley's steak was a-m-a-z-i-n-g!!! Officially in love with BBQs now. Hopefully Pearly and I can make a nice Jyrah shirt design that will make Yunting & JJ happy hehe! 

Pigeons 16/17! Missing Joel though :-(

This was our very first session together and oh my gosh haha they look really sweaty and tired in this picture. Must have been a shag night! But still happy to have gotten to know them better and also eat with them | joke with them ^_^ Really a lively bunch of people to spend almost every night of the week with ahahha.

Family bamily

Was really happy to see papa chinz again after so long and yay we got to eat dim sum! Thankful that my family understands my busy schedule and makes time for me when I am free :'( Though I wish I could spend more time with.

Also very thankful to foo chek siang who still has the energy and love within him to make me laugh and take care of me when I get to see him over the weekends <3 Please don't leave me because you are the most adorable fat pug who will take care of me and accept my strange behaviours hehe. 

Main Zebrös Dnd comm(????) Haha joking but these group of individuals deserve a big round of applause. I am so glad that they helped everyone out to make the dnd video & costumes possible and had so much fun with it :-) I know they'll be tight in the years in hall to come and I hope along the way the other zapszaps will come and join along too! 

Cute juniors!! Minus Cheryl :-( I still have not passed her her note sobs.

A really sincere group of kids with some crazy ones HAHAHA but in a good way ^_^ Happy that I get to welcome them to MJ and be there for them if they ever need help. I still do not know what I did to deserve their love and compliments along the way though >_<

PEACE PERFORMANCE

It seemed so long ago when Xuezhen asked me if I wanted to choreo for this SMU performance. It seemed so long ago that Xueting and I were choreographing too haha. Nonetheless, even though our music messed up, everything was super fun ^_^ Chill(er) dance pracs while learning from Jason and Qiaoyi made everything worth it. Might not have been a part of SUAD but I got to know a lot of these seniors and even my own batch mates better :-)

Hall Camp & Zebrös

Some snapshot from our internal OMC Comm CAGL Dance vetting haha! 

2nd last night before Camp Hoo Gah!! Pretty proud of the final outcome :-) Glad to see the cute freshies still using the bag around in school too HEHE!! Guess the sleepless nights were worth it!

Zebrös Mascot!!! Thanks Pearly for the awesome drawing and I am happy with the final version of it :)

Dope first night because we won the $200!!! Haha, and was really proud because we combined everyone's ideas together and won too hehe.

Beach day! Aka the turning point for everyone because the zapzap's competitive side came out HAHA! Was initially pretty afraid to lead such a big group of kids but I am glad everyone had fun together and of course so much thanks to the seniors for being there with me :-)

Walk with these Bionic dancers because the freshies did not want me to see their cheer creation HAHA! SO Chomel (trying to salvage my Malay because this coming Thursday there's a test sobs.

YAY because we won cheer fight!! From Jyrah to Zebrös sia hehe!

SP Night! All the previous 3 months of hard work paid off while I was re-watching the performances by the CAGLS :')

POST CAMP! ! !

Adorble kids planned this (fail) surprise for me :') but I really didn't expect anything so it was so lovely ^_^ THEY BOUGHT ME A HUGE POLAR BEAR OMG. Such memories hehe. Re-reading all the hand written notes when I feel low (and have the time to do so haha). Really blessed to have them come into Hall 2 and be my keeds hehe!!

Surprising Zijing too with his photoboard and cards ^_^ This photo is dope because of the gun flare hoho! 

A lot of updates to come and I just want to start now because I've been wanting to post for so long but school has been too crazy for me to even breathe for a moment. Sounds exaggerated but I am sad to say that it's not haha. I hope the day comes where I can wake up without putting consecutive alarms / where I can not feel like sleeping all the time / where I can have time to watch Youtube videos and not feel guilty.

Other than that, I guess this post was just for me to remember some of these moments because my memory is so poor HAHA! But also to remind myself of what great kids I have because they'd done really a lot for each other and the seniors :-) I sincerely hope that they will stay together and hang out as friends and not just as OG (goals for myself too). On the same point, it's a bit sad to know that all my other commitments reduces the time I have with them but I will keep trying to stay close and be there for them HEHE! Okay, better go sleep soon because 9:30am Melayu class.